KINGDOM OF HEAVEN review - Is this Hell?
(Reviewed by Melody Werner)
Kingdom of Heaven is a 2005 film directed by Ridley Scott and written by William Monahan. Released by 20th Century Fox, it stars Orlando Bloom, Ghassan Massoud, Eva Green, and Edward Norton. It's a historical epic based on the life of Balian of Ibelin. There are two versions: the theatrical version, and the director's cut. I watched the theatrical version, which I think is more than fair--director's cuts ought to be a bonus for fans, not what should've gone out in the first place. Theatrically, it was met with mixed reception and wasn't much of a box office hit. Sooooo, this was a total shitshow.
The sets and wardrobes in KoH are immaculate, as to be expected of Ridley Scott. They're grandiose in scale and lend to a genuinely epic feel--even if the more substantial elements of the film fail to ever reach anywhere near these lofty heights. Other than sets and wardrobes, KoH only ever achieves competence on an aesthetic level when it comes to the music--at times. There are some moments, during the final siege, where the score reuses what we'd already just heard. It makes things feel more monotonous than they really are. But this is supposed to be an epic from a prolific director, so we should at least expect decent battle sequences, correct? Incorrect. These are fucking horrible. Frequently overusing and misusing slow-motion in the way that only a crappy late 90's/2000's film can; awful visual storytelling where you can never tell who is who, who's getting stabbed and who's stabbing. It's a trainwreck. There are a few moments where there's... something to all the cacophony, but they are too sparse to give it anything approaching kudos.
Kingdom of Heaven is one of those movies that looks at the concept of historical accuracy and is all too eager to hump its leg (so you could think of it as the Kingdom Come: Deliverance of cinema). It literally has a featurette called "Hollywood vs. History." Which I can only assume is just another option that'll play this piece of arse. Good god, they can't even get swords right in their movie they were so proud of the accuracy of, and they don't expect me to take the piss out of this shite? Yo, guys, you do know that swords.... break. Old school swords like those that would've been used here would break incredibly fast. That's why medieval combat often centered on shields, rather than swords. This is high school stuff. And I'm not a realism hawk, by any means. I think "realism" is a bullshit criticism in fiction--unless the people behind the project are actively inviting such critique by puffing up its historical bona fides, as this is. Oh yeah, and if you thought that was a cheeky thing to call its bullshit on, then how about the whole main character here is a white wash of just how despicable the real life Balian was? The dude was a xenophobic piece of trash (as every one of these monsters was), but here he gets painted as the Rainbow Coalition before there even was a Rainbow Coalition, lmao. And this is why you shouldn't try and call your works historically accurate if you don't know your fucking history or if you're fictionalizing aspects. You're misleading people who think this is something that doesn't play fast and loose with the facts. And trying to puff up crusaders as decent people is a pretty clearly fucked up and irresponsible thing to do, even if you're going for some vapid Kumbaya horseshit like this is. But let's talk about the pacing for a moment: it's fucking horrendous. Over two hours of portentous waffle that could've been truncated into a 10 minute short--that's how little of value there is here. That's how much time they waste building a road to nowhere that has no satisfaction to it.
You've seen bad acting before, I trust. Well, I'm not going to exaggerate how bad the acting is in Kingdom of Heaven--but I can assure you, it is unpleasant, to put it lightly. The performances oscillate between needless melodrama to the most spiritless paycheck-acting out there. It doesn't help that the dialogue in here is dreadful--DREADFUL. The movie immediately kills all hopes of being taken seriously, when not even twenty minutes in, we are subjected to this line: "I once fought for two days with an arrow through my testicle." And no, it isn't played off as a joke. That would mean this po-faced sack of ass would have a sense of humor, which is ironically a bloodydamn humorous thing to suggest. But--hey--I will say, if you ever wanted a crash course on how not to write characters, Kingdom of Heaven at least does that expertly. Not only are we expected to feel emotions for characters that we have no reason to care about, many of them are not given clear personalities, arcs, motivations... or anything to glom onto. Eva Green's poor character has no actual point in this film, other than as a prop and piece of ass. She literally says in one scene, "Tiberias thinks me unpredictable. I am unpredictable." To which I would've said, "No, but you are badly written."
Kingdom of Heaven is well-intentioned, but in its most important release it misses the mark substantially in many glaring ways. Maybe the director's cut fares better. But I'm all Kingdom of Heaven'd out for at least a few years. This was such a snore. And honestly, I think some of the things I most take umbrage with here aren't the kinds you can just wash away with a director's cut. It's still going to be sainting a crusader, it's still going to have the testicle line, it's still going to have the gonzo slow-motion, etc.. If you haven't seen this yourself yet and still want to, I would highly recommend you not waste your time and just skip over to the director's cut. There's almost nothing of value to be gleaned from this waste of life. Kingdom of Heaven (theatrical) gets a 4/10 from me.
Lame
Summary:
Garbage fight scenes, historical inaccuracies aplenty, terrible dialogue and characters, listless performances, and a vacuous message make Kingdom of Heaven's theatrical version one of the dullest, nominally watchable films you can waste over 2 hours on.
Kingdom of Heaven is a 2005 film directed by Ridley Scott and written by William Monahan. Released by 20th Century Fox, it stars Orlando Bloom, Ghassan Massoud, Eva Green, and Edward Norton. It's a historical epic based on the life of Balian of Ibelin. There are two versions: the theatrical version, and the director's cut. I watched the theatrical version, which I think is more than fair--director's cuts ought to be a bonus for fans, not what should've gone out in the first place. Theatrically, it was met with mixed reception and wasn't much of a box office hit. Sooooo, this was a total shitshow.
The sets and wardrobes in KoH are immaculate, as to be expected of Ridley Scott. They're grandiose in scale and lend to a genuinely epic feel--even if the more substantial elements of the film fail to ever reach anywhere near these lofty heights. Other than sets and wardrobes, KoH only ever achieves competence on an aesthetic level when it comes to the music--at times. There are some moments, during the final siege, where the score reuses what we'd already just heard. It makes things feel more monotonous than they really are. But this is supposed to be an epic from a prolific director, so we should at least expect decent battle sequences, correct? Incorrect. These are fucking horrible. Frequently overusing and misusing slow-motion in the way that only a crappy late 90's/2000's film can; awful visual storytelling where you can never tell who is who, who's getting stabbed and who's stabbing. It's a trainwreck. There are a few moments where there's... something to all the cacophony, but they are too sparse to give it anything approaching kudos.
Kingdom of Heaven is one of those movies that looks at the concept of historical accuracy and is all too eager to hump its leg (so you could think of it as the Kingdom Come: Deliverance of cinema). It literally has a featurette called "Hollywood vs. History." Which I can only assume is just another option that'll play this piece of arse. Good god, they can't even get swords right in their movie they were so proud of the accuracy of, and they don't expect me to take the piss out of this shite? Yo, guys, you do know that swords.... break. Old school swords like those that would've been used here would break incredibly fast. That's why medieval combat often centered on shields, rather than swords. This is high school stuff. And I'm not a realism hawk, by any means. I think "realism" is a bullshit criticism in fiction--unless the people behind the project are actively inviting such critique by puffing up its historical bona fides, as this is. Oh yeah, and if you thought that was a cheeky thing to call its bullshit on, then how about the whole main character here is a white wash of just how despicable the real life Balian was? The dude was a xenophobic piece of trash (as every one of these monsters was), but here he gets painted as the Rainbow Coalition before there even was a Rainbow Coalition, lmao. And this is why you shouldn't try and call your works historically accurate if you don't know your fucking history or if you're fictionalizing aspects. You're misleading people who think this is something that doesn't play fast and loose with the facts. And trying to puff up crusaders as decent people is a pretty clearly fucked up and irresponsible thing to do, even if you're going for some vapid Kumbaya horseshit like this is. But let's talk about the pacing for a moment: it's fucking horrendous. Over two hours of portentous waffle that could've been truncated into a 10 minute short--that's how little of value there is here. That's how much time they waste building a road to nowhere that has no satisfaction to it.
You've seen bad acting before, I trust. Well, I'm not going to exaggerate how bad the acting is in Kingdom of Heaven--but I can assure you, it is unpleasant, to put it lightly. The performances oscillate between needless melodrama to the most spiritless paycheck-acting out there. It doesn't help that the dialogue in here is dreadful--DREADFUL. The movie immediately kills all hopes of being taken seriously, when not even twenty minutes in, we are subjected to this line: "I once fought for two days with an arrow through my testicle." And no, it isn't played off as a joke. That would mean this po-faced sack of ass would have a sense of humor, which is ironically a bloodydamn humorous thing to suggest. But--hey--I will say, if you ever wanted a crash course on how not to write characters, Kingdom of Heaven at least does that expertly. Not only are we expected to feel emotions for characters that we have no reason to care about, many of them are not given clear personalities, arcs, motivations... or anything to glom onto. Eva Green's poor character has no actual point in this film, other than as a prop and piece of ass. She literally says in one scene, "Tiberias thinks me unpredictable. I am unpredictable." To which I would've said, "No, but you are badly written."
Kingdom of Heaven is well-intentioned, but in its most important release it misses the mark substantially in many glaring ways. Maybe the director's cut fares better. But I'm all Kingdom of Heaven'd out for at least a few years. This was such a snore. And honestly, I think some of the things I most take umbrage with here aren't the kinds you can just wash away with a director's cut. It's still going to be sainting a crusader, it's still going to have the testicle line, it's still going to have the gonzo slow-motion, etc.. If you haven't seen this yourself yet and still want to, I would highly recommend you not waste your time and just skip over to the director's cut. There's almost nothing of value to be gleaned from this waste of life. Kingdom of Heaven (theatrical) gets a 4/10 from me.
Lame
Summary:
Garbage fight scenes, historical inaccuracies aplenty, terrible dialogue and characters, listless performances, and a vacuous message make Kingdom of Heaven's theatrical version one of the dullest, nominally watchable films you can waste over 2 hours on.
Comments
Post a Comment